


Ghosts of Christmas Past and Future

by LtTanyaBoone



Category: Pan Am
Genre: F/M, Future Fic, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-26
Updated: 2012-12-26
Packaged: 2017-11-22 13:51:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/610503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LtTanyaBoone/pseuds/LtTanyaBoone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A glimpse of some of the Christmases throughout Dean's life.<b></b></p>
            </blockquote>





	Ghosts of Christmas Past and Future

**Disclaimers:** Pan Am, the rights to the show and its characters do not belong to me. No money was made by this.  
 **Spoilers:** everything, pre-series and future fic  
 **Pairings:** Bridget/Dean, Colette/Other, Colette/Dean  
 **Warning:**  character death

* * *

The first Christmas Dean spends with Colette is actually more of an accident, or perhaps, a miscommunication. He assumed that when Bridget invited him over for Christmas Eve, that he would get to spend time with her alone, have some fun, exchange kisses and gifts. It turns out, however, that the two girls are hosting a Christmas party for various Pan Am employees, one that almost rivals the parties he has heard of take place in Maggie’s apartment.

He can’t help but feel rather like an idiot when Bridget greets him only with a kiss to his cheek before she disappears to dance with another stewardess. The songs playing are Christmas songs, or at least he assumes they are, because most of them are in languages Dean doesn’t speak nor is able to understand.

He finds Colette in the kitchen, preparing some snacks, and he gets a swat on his hand when he steals one. They have a somewhat strange friendship, though Dean might hesitate to call it that. When he started seeing Bridget regularly, the two of them, him and Colette, came to a truce after vying for the woman’s attention briefly. They used to tolerate each other silently at first, knowing that Bridget was too fond of the other one to screw up by being nasty to them, and out of that they slowly build an understanding of each other.

“I thought you’d go back to France.” Dean says and watches as Colette’s shoulders tense. He frowns, wrecking his brain in search of a reason that comment could have offended her and hastens to clarify that he didn’t mean he hoped that she was gone, more like, figured she’d want to spend time with her family. At that, Colette relaxes slightly, but when she turns around to look at him, her smile is much too bright and it doesn’t reach her eyes at all.

“My plans fell through. Pan Am has me on a flight on the 26th, too.” the French stewardess tells him, handing him a plate to carry out into the living room, and for once, Dean lets her boss him around without a remark. “But I assume that this is not the Christmas you were looking forward to.” Colette remarks when they slip back into the kitchen a few minutes later, brushing her hair behind her ear before she opens another bottle of champagne.

“Not really, no.” Dean admits, shaking his head as he watches her. There’s a knowing smile on her lips before Colette inclines her head.

“I owe you an apology, then.” she tells him, leaning against the counter next to him. At his puzzled look, she elaborates. “When Bridget found out that I was not returning to France for Christmas and would spend it alone, she insisted on throwing this… shindig.” Colette waved towards the door to the living room, where another version of “Feliz Navidad” starts playing. “She didn’t want me to feel alone on Christmas. I’m sorry it ruined your plans, whatever these might have been.” she tells Dean, making it clear that she does not care to find out what exactly the two lovers had originally planned. There was an incident a few weeks ago, when they thought Colette was still in Rio. Unfortunately, Bridget’s hang of forgetting the time also means that she generally isn’t the best at remembering dates, and Colette returned a day earlier than her flatmate expected, to find the two of them in the bathroom. Dean doesn’t think she actually saw anything, but it was still embarrassing enough, for all of them.

Dean watches her briefly before he steals another cracker and then offers his hand to her. Colette eyes him suspiciously before putting hers in it and allowing him to pull her to the living room and dance floor. She’s a good dancer, less wild than Bridget, and Dean is thankful for the break she gives him when she discovers that he was born with two left feet. Even though it seems like he’s the one leading, it’s really Colette who steers their movements, her dark eyes twinkling in amusement before another guy appears, tapping her shoulder briefly. The exclamation of surprise that leaves her lips is in French, as is the introduction before Colette repeats it in English for Dean’s benefit. At that point, Bridget finds them, just as the other guy whisks Colette away. Dean doesn’t miss that they disappear down the hallway in the direction of their bedrooms, but Bridget just laughs at his frown and kisses him before grabbing his hand and pulling him in the same direction Colette and her friend just took. They pass them in the hallway, the couple unable to stop kissing long enough to make it to the French woman’s bedroom, and Bridget shouts something at them in French that has Colette laugh and reply something that makes the British stewardess blush to the roots of her hair, and then the bedroom door closes and he’s finally alone with his girlfriend and can wish her a proper Christmas, any and all thoughts of his lover’s roommate leaving his mind quickly.

* * *

The second Christmas they spend together is two years later. He’s still a co-pilot, Bridget is still a stewardess. This time, he knows that Colette will be there. It would be strange if she weren’t, given that she was with them on the flight to Reykjavik, and now they find themselves stranded in the city.

It’s late on Christmas Eve when their pilot gives up and tells them that they aren’t going anywhere. They’ve been sitting on their packed luggage in the reception area of the hotel for the better part of five hours, their flight getting pushed back time and again. It’s been snowing since the evening before, and even though the people here are more than capable at dealing with snow, there comes a point when it gets too much even for them and they have to cave and admit defeat to Mother Nature.

Kate throws her head back and groans while Ted lets out an excited cheer, earning himself surprised looks from the rest of the crew.

“What? I’m getting out of the annual Vanderway Christmas banquet. I never knew I loved snow this much.” the man declares, drawing a chuckle from Colette.

“What do we do now?” Maggie asks, casting a look around. “This is a lame place to spend Christmas at.”

“I am sure we can find something to lift your mood.” Colette tells her, the first one to get up and walk back to the reception to get a new key for their room.

“Or someone.” Dean remarks when he joins her, signing for the key he gets, another night sharing a room with Ted. Their pilot had disappeared and so has the other stewardess, and the snort Colette lets out is so unladylike that Dean does a double take. He’s never heard her make that sound before, but the grin on her face is a familiar one.

“What do you guys say, we get changed into something warmer and more comfortable, and then we hit the restaurant down the street.” Ted suggests to the group. “My treat.” he adds when he sees the skeptical faces of his companions, and the prospect of a free meal is enough to convince all the others.

Two hours later, Dean knows they are close to overstaying their welcome at the restaurant, but none of the waiters are about to say anything. He’s pretty sure the bill they have racked up at that point is a rather impressive one, and he can feel himself slowly getting drunk on warm apple cider, and he’s pretty sure whatever animal the roast was, he had too much of it. But Bridget is laughing heartily at one of Ted’s stories, something that’s not a common sight at all. They started sharing Christmas anecdotes a while ago, and it has turned into some sort of battle between Kate and Ted to see who had it worse. Dean has stopped talking some time ago, most his Christmas memories are rather fond with just the right amount of fun. He isn’t the only one that’s been silent, he notices when he sees Colette stare into the light of the burning candles on their table, her thoughts seemingly miles away. He shifts in his chair, signaling for the waiter and orders a cup of coffee for himself before asking Colette if she wants anything, yanking her from her thoughts. After she declines and the man disappears, the French stewardess gives Dean a look that is almost grateful, and he inclines his head a little, giving her a soft smile that she returns, the life returning to her eyes before her attention shifts to Kate, currently in the middle of a story of a Christmas shopping spree that features her younger sister disappearing at the mall.

Maybe it’s the alcohol, maybe it’s Bridget leaning into his side and the fingers entwining with his, but he suddenly has this warm, fuzzy feeling he can’t quite shake.

* * *

The third Christmas was one he thought he was going to spend with her, but then he screws up in Russia and by the time Christmas rolls around, Colette and him are barely on speaking terms.

He bought her a present already, though. A pair of earrings, of a classic, understated elegance that immediately reminded him of Colette when he saw them in the window one day.

At first he thinks that he could give them to her, but that idea quickly goes out the window. They might be slowly returning to exchanging greetings and acknowledging each other’s presence, but he knows that Colette would never accept a gift from him at this point.

Using Kate as courier is out of the question, too, because the redhead has this strange thing where she no longer talks to him when it’s not work related. It reminds him of the way one of Ted’s conquests had a friend on their crew and the woman completely ignored the man for five flights. How she managed to pull that one off still is beyond him, as is the need for such behavior. But Dean knows that he doesn’t stand a chance when it comes to involving Kate in his mess with Colette, the older Cameron has long ago picked her side in this conflict it seems.

Kate, however, has a sister, and Laura is so eager to have peace restored to the crew that she doesn’t question him when he asks her to somehow slip the present into Colette’s bag. She does furrow her brows when he demands that the other woman is not to give away where the present came from, saying that perhaps it would get them to talk, but at this point, Dean doesn’t think that there is ever going to be a longer conversation between him and Colette ever again. She has Omar and is making plans for Christmas with him, and he doesn’t want to stir anything up again. He just wants her to have the earrings, hopes that they might put a smile on her lips.

He doesn’t know if Laura manages to play Santa’s Sneaky Helper until the second day of Christmas, when he returns from his parents’ farm to find a thin present in his letterbox. There’s a note on it, written in Colette’s handwriting.

_Thank you for the earrings, they are lovely. – C_

When he opens the present, Dean finds a book, Aviation between the World Wars. Colette left the receipt in, in case he wants to return it, and he can’t help but smile when he sees the date on it. She bought the book the same week he bought her earrings.

* * *

The fourth Christmas is two years after that, when they are not just back on speaking terms, but also back to being a couple.

They spend Christmas Eve on her couch, cuddling and exchanging kisses and presents, and it feels a little strained at times, because they can’t help but remember the Christmas that almost seems like a lifetime ago, when everything had fallen to pieces between them.

He takes her back to his parents’ farm for the second day of Christmas, and this time, his father is much more receptive of the idea of them as a couple. Which may have something to do with the eggnog he’s already sipping when they arrive, snowflakes in their hair.

They stay for two days, by the end of which is mother is hinting at grandchildren. And Dean looks at Colette and she has this deer-in-the-headlights look on her face that makes him chuckle and kiss her. He tells her his mother is just teasing, that there is no need for them to hurry, with anything. Truth be told, he isn’t sure if he wants children just yet, either. He knows that if he ever has them, he wants Colette to be their mother, but at this point, it feels like he has just gotten her back, and he is selfish enough to want to enjoy some time alone with her before they start adding to the family they have created for themselves at Pan Am.

* * *

The fifth Christmas is a rather unremarkable one, but the sixth one they spend together is the first one as husband and wife. It’s the same as the year before, and the year before that, but everything seems different for some reason. Like they are actually starting to build a tradition with the way they spend their Christmases, a strange mixture between American and French customs that has both of them frowning in  confusion sometimes.

The tree that year is an exceptionally marvelous one, a sort-of present from Ted after Amanda not-so-gently reminded him that having a real tree in a house with a child that is just learning to crawl (why on earth they decided to follow up their first kid with another one a mere three years later is still a mystery to Dean) is not the brightest idea the newly made pilot ever had. Dean doesn’t mind, though, and neither does Colette, and he has to admit that making love to her beneath it is a fabulous way to spend Christmas Eve.

* * *

Christmas number seven is their last Christmas as merely a married couple. Or perhaps that already was Christmas number six, Dean muses when he leans in to press a soft kiss behind Colette’s ear as his hand rests on her protruding belly, the baby moving around excitedly.

They don’t tackle the drive to his parents’ farm that year and instead invite them to spend the holidays at their newly acquired house. His father is reluctant to drive all the way, so Dean takes off the week before Christmas to drive to the farm, make sure everything is secured, and then drives them back to New York.

Most of the presents that year are gift certificates for the baby shopping they still have to do. His father insists on building a crib for the baby, and Dean is slightly surprised when Colette doesn’t protest, doesn’t offer any objection to the older man’s idea.

That year, it’s painfully obvious that she doesn’t have any family, and this time, it seems to bother his wife, too. Her search for her brother only turned up dead ends until she ran out of funds and had to give up, and then his mother tells them she brought his baptism gown and Colette excuses herself from the table. He finds her in the half-decorated nursery, not crying, but staring out the window to watch the snowflakes dance in the cold outside. She doesn’t say anything when he wraps his arms around her in a gentle embrace, and when she leans back after a while, her eyes are still dry, but there’s a longing in them he hasn’t seen since she told him about the pregnancy, and he doesn’t know what to do about it, except hold her even closer and tell her how much he loves her and how excited he is to build a family with her, and strangely enough, it seems to cheer her up.

* * *

The first Christmas with their daughter, Dean remembers how magical Christmases used to be for him as a child, and it’s like rediscovering that magic again. The way the lights of the tree reflect in Julie’s dark eyes, the way she laughs when he plants a Santa hat on Colette, and the way her faces scrunches up when they let her have her first piece of gingerbread, as if the toddler is not sure what to make of it, whether she likes it or not.

It’s the year when he has to admit that Amanda was right and Christmas trees and little children do not mix well, and the year where “sensible gifts” has never been so much ignored by anyone in their circle of friends. When he sees the amount of presents for the little girl, he worries briefly that she might get spoiled, but Colette just laughs at his concern, because Julie is much too young to remember any of this. When that still does not calm him, she merely points at the floor and he finds his daughter sitting there, completely ignoring her gifts, stuffed toys and clothes and picture books, all of them, in favor of playing with the wrapping paper and letting out a shriek of delight when it rustles loudly as she bunches it up and tears at it with her chubby hands.

* * *

Julie is five when Dean takes her with him to select their Christmas tree. He lets her wander around the ones on display, listens to her and goes with her final choice, even though the tree is crooked, but the delight on her face makes it very worth it.

Colette insists on not letting her climb a ladder to decorate it, but allows her to decorate the branches she can reach. The result is a crooked tree that only has lights on the lowest branches and most of the ornaments and tinsel is also grouped there, but still they tell her she did a good job.

Much to Dean’s surprise, they don’t get jumped on that year. Instead, Julie sneaks into their bedroom carefully, still at an ungodly hour, but then again they would have been up a few minutes later, anyway, as Jean gives voice to his displeasure, in a startlingly urgent way, Dean finds.

They didn’t actually plan for a second child, both him and Colette worried that they would somehow love one child more than the other and thinking it wouldn’t be fair. But then Colette got pregnant again, and when Jean was born in late November, they both found that the love they have for either child is a completely different one.

Sometimes, Julie can be a great big sister, and other times she is ridden with jealousy, and Dean still hasn’t figured out which side of his daughter he is dealing with on most days, until she does something as startling as snap at the baby to shut up after a particularly long bout of crying. Or does the complete opposite and dashes to her tiny brother the second he begins whimpering to stroke his cheek and tell him not to be upset and she’ll get Maman or Papa.

It’s their first Christmas a family of four, with them having two children, and while he hadn’t thought it possible, Dean has to admit that the holidays just keep getting better and better.

* * *

Jean’s fifth Christmas and Julie’s tenth is the first one they ever spend in France. The last time Dean took Colette to see her home country was when they were on honeymoon.

His French is still horrible and he actually has to ask his daughter to translate for him a few times during their vacation. By the end of the two weeks they spend in a small house at the coast, Jean seems to have forgotten what English even sounds like, responding in French even when it’s Dean who is talking to him in English.

It’s also the second Christmas without his father, and Dean feels a little guilty for not taking his mother with them, but she assured them that she’d be fine over Christmas and they will be spending New Year’s Eve together again. And seeing the joy on Colette’s face as she chases their daughter down the beach and hearing Jean laugh when he tries to keep up with them lifts Dean’s spirits a little. He still thinks of his father often, especially now, but the memories don’t seem to hurt as much as they used to.

During Mass, he sits and mostly just watches Colette and the children, both of them old enough to be taken to church now. Jean fusses and fidgets a little, but that stops when Dean takes him into his lap and keeps directing the boy’s gaze at different things in the church. He’s not the youngest child around, and Dean’s by far not the only parent who spends most of service not paying attention to the things being said, but he thinks he might be the only Obnoxious American ™. Colette and Julie earn enough brownie points to make up for the behavior of the men of the family, though.

* * *

They try to make it a tradition from then on, to return to France every other Christmas, switching locations to Chambord on the second one.

It’s Jean’s fourteenth Christmas when the boy starts talking to one of the local girls, and while Dean cannot understand a word they say, he knows what flirting looks like. It’s the first time he sees his son take a real interest in a girl, and he wonders briefly why on earth that had to happen on vacation outside the country. Their life is in the US and they have to return after New Year’s Eve, a fact that seems to have left his son’s mind, and Dean can already see the inevitable tears this will lead to.

What surprises him is that Colette encourages their son. The woman that came up with some of the strictest dating rules Dean ever saw for their daughter is the same one that suggests Jean take Amelie for a show at the local cinema, even extending the boy’s curfew for an evening. But when Dean suggests that perhaps putting so much trust in him is a little far fetched, his wife starts laughing before she tells him she’s not putting trust into Jean, but in a French girl she never met before. It’s only when she reminds him that she grew up in the same house as Amelie that Dean finally gets it.

* * *

His daughter’s twentieth Christmas they spend at the hospital. He’s never raised a hand against his children, neither of them, but when the sixth “stupid” leaves Julie’s mouth, he’s damn close to it, but Jean just grins at his sister, the white bandage on his forehead in stark contrast with his freckled face before he holds out the arm that’s not in a sling and his sister hugs him like her life depends on it.

That year, he finds Colette in the little hospital chapel. She didn’t cry when they got the call, she didn’t cry when they were told their son was in critical condition, didn’t shed a tear while he paced outside the OR as the doctor’s operated on their son. Now sitting in that chapel, muttering in soft French, there are tears running down her cheeks , and the only word he can make out is “merci” over and over again.

He blames himself and his recklessness for the accident. Well, at least partially, because Colette didn’t know what kind of child he used to be, but he should have seen the way Jean was acting and recognized it and stepped in before their son left the house on the 22nd for a friend’s. If he had said something about the way Jean’s eyes were full of mischief and excitement, he might have been able to prevent this. But he figured that the boys were going to tease a few of their female classmates and figured that they should get their asses kicked on their own. Only that’s not what Jean and his two friends did.

Instead, they first stole the car of Eric’s father –“Borrowed, we just borrowed it,” his son was quick to assure him – and took it for a spin on the icey backroads of Virginia. And since that hadn’t been enough, they then decided to drive off the road and over the fields around his parents’ old farm. He has no idea where they got the sled and rope from, but the teenagers, with peas for brains really, decided to have a their own re-enactment of Santa flying with the reindeers pulling the sled, only they used the car to pull, and skidded on a patch of ice. The car ended up rolling over twice when they lost control on the bumpy field. And after hearing the prognosis for Eric and the other friend, Dean’s actually happy that his son wasn’t in the car at that time.

They decide not to tell him about the leg until after New Year. It’s not an easy choice to make, but knowing that there is nothing that will fix it, they don’t see the point in spoiling Christmas for their two children more than it already has, really. Jean will never be able to walk without a limp again, he won’t get to join the Air Force like his father did and earn his wings, and that is harsh enough of a reality to be confronted with, he doesn’t need to hear that just yet, and neither does his sister.

* * *

Julie’s twenty-fourth Christmas is the third with her husband, though the first two times he was her boyfriend and then fiancé. Dean’s still not that convinced and he still thinks that his little girl grew up way too fast, that she’s much too young to be married, since she was playing with dolls just the other day, really.

It’s the first Christmas at their daughter’s house, and Dean wonders why they had to invite them. Colette loves doing the holiday dinner and she’d have had more time to prepare, and they wouldn’t have had to stumble over boxes in the hallway. Another thing he doesn’t like about his son-in-law, who on earth does renovations during the holiday season?

The whole time since they’ve arrived, his wife has had this smile on her face, the one that says she knows something that he doesn’t, but when he gives her a questioning look, Colette just shakes her head in amusement.

It’s only when they exchange gifts that he finally finds out, and suddenly, the nervousness of his daughter and the renovations make sense. Dean hadn’t even considered the possibility, but his wife doesn’t seem the least bit surprised when Julie and Henry tell them that there will be another person to celebrate with them next year.

* * *

The first Christmas with their first grandchild is a whole new level of festive, though little Samantha sleeps through most of it, not even getting passed around manages to really wake her from her slumber.

There’s a look in Jean’s eyes when he holds his niece that has Dean reminding him that college comes first, and much to his surprise, his son actually blushes then.

He’d forgotten how much other people spoiled their children when they were young, especially his parents, but it turns out that he and Colette are that kind of grandparents who, when unable to decide between two gifts, buy both instead, and Julie shakes her head at them but her eyes are misty when she thanks them.

And just before they leave to get back home, Sammy opens her eyes and stares right at Dean before her lips twitch into the hint of a smile and she yawns and falls right back asleep.

* * *

His seventieth Christmas is the first one without his wife. And Dean can’t help but think the whole time how sad Colette would be that she missed this.

Andrew is chasing the puppy around the tree – or is it the other way around? – while Samantha ignores her brother in favor of her baby cousin, Emily sitting still as the older girl shows her the picture book she got, making up stories.

He gets up and leaves the room then, just needing some space for a little bit. Jean comes to find him later, when he’s dozing in the kitchen.

“Dad, come on.” his boy whispers, gently taking his arm and helping him from the chair. “Let’s say good night to the kids, then you can go to bed.”

The way he’s talking to him reminds Dean of years ago, when he used the same voice with his son. Only now Jean is an adult, and a husband and a father himself, and Dean wonders if that’s the voice he uses with Emily, too.

Thankfully, Jean doesn’t actually tuck him into bed, just tells him that they’re down the hall, in case he needs anything before he closes the door. As Dean turns to turn off the light on the bedside table, his eyes catch the picture sitting next to it. It’s the one he and Colette used for their first Christmas card with the four of them, Dean holding a sleeping Jean and Julie sitting on Colette’s lap, grinning broadly.

The first Christmas without his wife is also the last he ever has to spend without her.

 _fin._


End file.
